my legacy began 7 years ago

I was once asked in a job interview what I would consider my greatest success. And you know what, I lied. I got the position...but I lied. I'm sure I made up some bullshit about how my greatest success was getting some major project approved when I worked at the City and the rest of the staff was against the new development. Sure, it's exciting when you can prove a whole staff of bureaucrats wrong when you stand up before the Planning Board or City Council and do what you feel is right...often bending the code to support the position you've taken. But...I've learned, especially recently, that my career does not define me.

My legacy began 7 years ago...when I walked into the labor and delivery unit of Winter Park Memorial Hospital. With Jason and my mom by my side, and a pillow tucked under my arm...I waddled my fat ass into that wing knowing that I would leave a changed woman. For one, I'd instantly lose a bit of weight...but more importantly, I would join this club called Motherhood.

I remember being hooked up to iv's and blood pressure monitors surrounded by my parents, Jason and my brother John. I remember Jason and John playing with all the rubber gloves and random medical equipment in the room...trying to make me laugh. They succeeded...for a bit. I remember listening to Enya and trying to focus on my breathing and controlling what little pain I had. I remember asking for the epidural knowing that at 6 centimeters...it wasn't too much longer and I'd hate myself and everyone around me if I waited too late. I remember the nurse saying it was time to push...and I remember the look on my mom's face as she left the room.

She wanted to stay...I could tell...partly because she wanted to witness her first grandchild being born, but also because I'm sure she wanted to make sure I was okay. I also know she wanted nothing more than to see me transform into a new kind of woman. I don't think either of us knew back then that I'd become who I am today.

I remember pushing...three times...and Dr. Van Wert walking in at the last moment...4:58 p.m....to catch Savannah Kayleigh Middleton as she entered the world. I remember hearing her cry and feeling the warmth of her body as she laid on my chest for the first time. I remember looking into her eyes and being overcome with emotion. You see...I was never much of a crier...but motherhood has changed me. Here I am, sitting in the darkness of my bedroom...with tears streaming down my cheeks...remembering the day my legacy began.

I love Savannah for so many reasons. For one, she was created out of love. Although Jason and I are no longer married, I don't think either of us will deny that we wanted her...and she was created out of the love we had for each other and the love we knew we could give to her. I love her because she has always been so caring toward others. I wasn't the most shining example of how to treat people...especially in high school...and so I've been glad to see that she has learned from the woman I am today and not who I used to be. I've had about a dozen parents comment on how Savannah was one of the first children to welcome their child into the new classroom...at daycare or at elementary school. I am proud of her for that.

I love Savannah because she is independent. She doesn't fit into any one mold of what a "girl" should be. She tells me she's two part tomboy and one part girlie girl...and I love her for that. I want her to be her own person...march to the beat of her own drum...be a leader, not a follower.

I love Savannah because she is so smart. From the time she remembered Pop Pop getting peed on by a turtle 2 years before...or the times we sit in the car and she asks me to give her multiplication problems to do...I love listening to her learn and helping her expand her knowledge. I am proud of her for being placed in the gifted program this year. Although she's had a MAJOR life change...she has persevered.

I love Savannah because she thinks I sing good. Those of you that have heard me are probably thinking she's deaf...but, it reminds me of when she was a newborn and I would sing to her while I rocked her and it instantly soothed her as her body melted into mine and her breathing became heavy and rhythmic as she drifted off.

I love Savannah because she is the best big sister ever. She loves Jackson unconditionally and wants to protect him and guide him in the right direction. Every morning and every night she gives him kisses. She makes him laugh...she holds his hand as they sit and watch tv together...she shares her toys and snacks with him. She truly loves that little boy and I love her for that.

Most of all, I love Savannah because she is Savannah. She is my first born, my only girl, and the one that changed my life forever. I love you Savannah Kayleigh...and I always will. Happy birthday Rockstar!!!

inspiration and strength...

Inspiration and strength have come from the most unexpected places for me lately. In my journey to live a healthier lifestyle, I've come to find out that I've inspired other people to do the same thing. Several people have contacted me on Facebook to let me know that they are proud of me...most of the time, I get these messages when I need it most...when I'm bored or stressed and look to food for comfort. These messages give me the strength I need to get back on track and focus on maintaining the healthy weight and eating habits I worked so hard for.

I also find inspiration in constantly looking for ways to learn new things and better myself. I am so far from perfect it isn't funny, but I'll never stop trying to find improvements. I've recently thought about going to law school and studying land use or real estate law. I used to say "I hate reading, so I could never make it through law school." Total bullshit...and a pathetic excuse to hold myself back. While training last year, I learned that excuses are ridiculous...and 90 percent of any battle is mental so if I can just overcome that mental battle and quit making excuses...I'm pretty damn sure I can do just about anything.

I've found strength in seeing my beautiful children smiling every day and seeing the love they have for each other. Jackson loves his sister almost as much as he loves food...and she is constantly looking for new ways to make him laugh. The bond between siblings is undeniable and it's clearer to me now that it can't be broken.

My brother and I are only 13 months apart in age...yes, I was "unexpected"...and growing up, we were close, but no where as close as we are now. John is an amazing brother...always has been, but I never appreciated it until recently. He has never once judged me for the decisions I've made in my life. He may not agree...and he'll usually tell me, but he is always there if I need to talk...or escape...or laugh. I am so incredibly lucky to have a brother that (1) is only 6 hours away, but (2) is also willing to drop just about anything to help me out if I need it. I love you John...I know I don't tell you enough, but I really do. You are an amazing husband and amazing father...Rachel and Tyler are so incredibly lucky...just like we are.