I try not to look in the rear view mirror too much, instead I like to think the front windshield is as large as it is for a reason...because what lies ahead is so much better. But, there are times when it is necessary to pause, reflect and think about different ways to do things that may not have gone the way that you wanted or expected.
So, here's a quick note about what I wish I could change:
- I've said it before, and I'll say it again...I wish I was nicer to people while I was growing up. You never know the impact you have on some one's life, and to think that I was as cruel and unloving toward others tears me up on a daily basis. I could've had an opportunity to make life long friends that I could take girls' trips with, or meet up on family vacations, or who knows?? But instead, I didn't and I don't have those friends.
- I wish I would have shown my parents how much I love them from day one. Growing up, it is so easy to take for granted the love and guidance provided by your parents. I don't think I realized it until (1) I had my own kids, and (2) I needed them most. They have always and will always be there for me. I've heard every day almost, for the past 15 years that they love me and that they are proud of me. I hope they know how much their love and friendship mean to me...they are my northern star.
- I wish I would've gotten a law degree. I know, I still can, but with 5 kids to take care of most of the time and a full-time job, how in the hell will I find the time? I didn't do it when I graduated college with my Bachelor's, because I wanted to get married and I hated reading. I didn't realize back then, that I would truly enjoy the research aspects of law and the opportunity to negotiate and argue my point. So for now, I research random information that has no impact on my job and I argue my point and negotiate with my children.
- I wish I would've stayed in better contact with my high school best friend. Rhonda and I first met in 3rd grade, and up until the time we left for college, we were pretty much inseparable. She was there with me during my best times...and my worst times. She always loved me and always listened to me when I needed someone to lean on. Who would've thought that after all these years, we'd be in similar places in our lives, but still so unconnected that we can't make up for lost time? I'm sorry for not being there for you Rhonda, and living my life in a bubble. Thelma and Louise will live forever in my heart and memories.
Some of you may be wondering why I didn't mention my relationship with Jason, and whether or not I wish I didn't get married. Quite frankly, I'm glad that I experienced that part of my life as I think it is part of why I am the strong, independent woman that I am today. Jason and I are great friends and I am truly happy that he has found someone he wants to spend the rest of his life with. He and his fiancee are building a wonderful life for our children and I know that he loves them.
You may also wonder why I didn't say anything about wishing I'd met AJ earlier...that's pretty simple too. I don't think he and I would have the bond and love for one another that we do today had we met when we were younger. He came into my life at exactly the right moment, and I bet he'd say the same about me. He is a strong, loving, resilient, and determined man, and without experiencing what we've gone through over the last 10 months, I am pretty sure we wouldn't have the relationship we have.
So although my regrets in life are few and far between, I feel like if I don't share them and think about them from time to time, I'll never learn from them.
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Sunday, September 4, 2011
The Plan
I've recently realized, that no matter how much of a control freak I might be, that someone has a plan. Lately, I feel like this plan has started coming together and I'm excited to see where it takes me.
On Friday morning, I was taking the kids to daycare when my car's computer told me the engine was overheating and it started to shut down. I made it to Savannah's before school program, called Jason to come get Jackson and called AJ to help me out. Thank goodness he was just getting off his shift and was still in town.
Within an hour, Jackson was on his way to daycare and AJ had popped my hood, slid under the car and started taking a look (which was totally hot by the way...seeing a man doing manly things). After a few minutes, he said "Baby, it's your water pump...time to call a tow truck." I did, and in the meantime, we went back to my place so we could wait and I could start working. I'm very lucky to have an employer that has supplied me with the technology needed to work remotely...although, the 4AM emails from my boss can be annoying.
The tow truck driver was able to make it to my car within an hour and took it to the dealer. As I waited to hear the diagnosis, I read my owner's manual and warranty policy. Luckily, my warranty covers the water pump...so praying AJ is right, I was banking on that being it and not being out hundreds of dollars. As I continued making phone calls throughout the day, trying to get the last of the model home permits for Laureate Park cut loose from the City, I was praying that the dealer would find a minor issue and be able to fix it that day. Around noon, I got the call that it was in fact, "the water pump." Yay AJ for being right and Yay warranty for covering it. Even better, the dealer said it would be ready at 4PM...yay...no rental car necessary.
I got to spend some great quality time with AJ while I worked remotely and I was even lucky enough to be with him when he picked his boys up from school. There is nothing better than seeing a man with his children...each child was so incredibly happy to see their daddy...it was so heart-warming.
After picking up my car, I headed to Kissimmee, without my babies, to spend the weekend with my incredible boyfriend and his three sons. It was time to celebrate Jonathan's birthday...his 6th...and first one without both of his parents. Divorce is hard on children, especially when it comes to special events and holidays. So, I was determined to make it special and I planned on making a train cake.
While travelling to Kissimmee...we got stuck in traffic and ended up eating at Buffalo Wild Wings. Dinner was great though and afterward, I took two of the boys to the store with me so AJ could spend some one on one time with the middle one. The boys were great and even wanted to get their Nana some flowers and their Daddy a "thank you for being my daddy" card.
Shortly after arriving at Nana's, I got a text message from Jason. He was coming down with flu-like symptoms and once the heaving started, we decided it was best if I make the trek back to Orlando to get the kids. You see, I knew something would be missing that weekend...especially as each of AJ's boys asked where Jackson and Savannah were and if they'd be there to celebrate Jonny's birthday. This is part of that whole plan thing I was talking about...
We made it back to Kissimmee just in time for Jackson to fall asleep and me to put him in the pack n' play. Savannah stayed up for a bit playing with the other kids and around 9PM, we started the bedtime routine. While Will and Eric got ready for bed and had some downtime in the bunk room, AJ and I had the other kids (Savannah, Jonny and Thea) on the couch...squeezed in between us...and read stories. It was great...and kinda gave me the warm fuzzies.
The next morning we woke up and Nana bought "birthday" donuts for Jonny. As all the kids devoured them, Jackson took his sweet time, spending almost an hour eating his chocolate glazed donut...it was pretty funny. When it was time to start making the birthday cake, Thea and Savannah offered to help. And what great little helpers they were...cracking eggs, pouring oil, stirring the batter. Of course, all of this was rewarded with a few licks of frosting during decorating time later that day. Around lunchtime, we went to the local community pool and spent a great afternoon swimming, diving and sliding. The kids had a blast and so did we. While Jackson was sliding down one of the kiddie slides, I looked toward the deep end, only to see AJ covered in 5 kids keeping each one entertained and showing them a great time.
After pool time, we went back to Nana's where Jackson took a quick nap. Naptime gave me just enough peace to decorate the cake. After dumping a completely frosted cake upside down on the plate, starting all over, and finishing the job...the kids came racing in to see what I was doing...and to lick the spoons.
The rest of the night was spent making homemade pizzas, eating cake and listening to the sweet sounds of laughter as all the children played together. I love being surrounded by such laughter and craziness...in my opinion, having five kids around isn't much different than having two kids. It's all about organization and teamwork...and I think that my superhero and I make a pretty damn good team. Simply put...the weekend was perfect...and Jonanthan had a Happy Birthday...and the plan fell into place.
On Friday morning, I was taking the kids to daycare when my car's computer told me the engine was overheating and it started to shut down. I made it to Savannah's before school program, called Jason to come get Jackson and called AJ to help me out. Thank goodness he was just getting off his shift and was still in town.
Within an hour, Jackson was on his way to daycare and AJ had popped my hood, slid under the car and started taking a look (which was totally hot by the way...seeing a man doing manly things). After a few minutes, he said "Baby, it's your water pump...time to call a tow truck." I did, and in the meantime, we went back to my place so we could wait and I could start working. I'm very lucky to have an employer that has supplied me with the technology needed to work remotely...although, the 4AM emails from my boss can be annoying.
The tow truck driver was able to make it to my car within an hour and took it to the dealer. As I waited to hear the diagnosis, I read my owner's manual and warranty policy. Luckily, my warranty covers the water pump...so praying AJ is right, I was banking on that being it and not being out hundreds of dollars. As I continued making phone calls throughout the day, trying to get the last of the model home permits for Laureate Park cut loose from the City, I was praying that the dealer would find a minor issue and be able to fix it that day. Around noon, I got the call that it was in fact, "the water pump." Yay AJ for being right and Yay warranty for covering it. Even better, the dealer said it would be ready at 4PM...yay...no rental car necessary.
I got to spend some great quality time with AJ while I worked remotely and I was even lucky enough to be with him when he picked his boys up from school. There is nothing better than seeing a man with his children...each child was so incredibly happy to see their daddy...it was so heart-warming.
After picking up my car, I headed to Kissimmee, without my babies, to spend the weekend with my incredible boyfriend and his three sons. It was time to celebrate Jonathan's birthday...his 6th...and first one without both of his parents. Divorce is hard on children, especially when it comes to special events and holidays. So, I was determined to make it special and I planned on making a train cake.
While travelling to Kissimmee...we got stuck in traffic and ended up eating at Buffalo Wild Wings. Dinner was great though and afterward, I took two of the boys to the store with me so AJ could spend some one on one time with the middle one. The boys were great and even wanted to get their Nana some flowers and their Daddy a "thank you for being my daddy" card.
Shortly after arriving at Nana's, I got a text message from Jason. He was coming down with flu-like symptoms and once the heaving started, we decided it was best if I make the trek back to Orlando to get the kids. You see, I knew something would be missing that weekend...especially as each of AJ's boys asked where Jackson and Savannah were and if they'd be there to celebrate Jonny's birthday. This is part of that whole plan thing I was talking about...
We made it back to Kissimmee just in time for Jackson to fall asleep and me to put him in the pack n' play. Savannah stayed up for a bit playing with the other kids and around 9PM, we started the bedtime routine. While Will and Eric got ready for bed and had some downtime in the bunk room, AJ and I had the other kids (Savannah, Jonny and Thea) on the couch...squeezed in between us...and read stories. It was great...and kinda gave me the warm fuzzies.
The next morning we woke up and Nana bought "birthday" donuts for Jonny. As all the kids devoured them, Jackson took his sweet time, spending almost an hour eating his chocolate glazed donut...it was pretty funny. When it was time to start making the birthday cake, Thea and Savannah offered to help. And what great little helpers they were...cracking eggs, pouring oil, stirring the batter. Of course, all of this was rewarded with a few licks of frosting during decorating time later that day. Around lunchtime, we went to the local community pool and spent a great afternoon swimming, diving and sliding. The kids had a blast and so did we. While Jackson was sliding down one of the kiddie slides, I looked toward the deep end, only to see AJ covered in 5 kids keeping each one entertained and showing them a great time.
After pool time, we went back to Nana's where Jackson took a quick nap. Naptime gave me just enough peace to decorate the cake. After dumping a completely frosted cake upside down on the plate, starting all over, and finishing the job...the kids came racing in to see what I was doing...and to lick the spoons.
The rest of the night was spent making homemade pizzas, eating cake and listening to the sweet sounds of laughter as all the children played together. I love being surrounded by such laughter and craziness...in my opinion, having five kids around isn't much different than having two kids. It's all about organization and teamwork...and I think that my superhero and I make a pretty damn good team. Simply put...the weekend was perfect...and Jonanthan had a Happy Birthday...and the plan fell into place.
Friday, August 26, 2011
What I think we did right...
I'm no expert in divorce (thank God) and I sure as hell don't claim to have done everything right over the last year. But, I think Jason and I have done a great job in making this huge life transition and I wanted to share with you what I think made it successful...at least from the parenting perspective. And while my hope is that everyone that has to go through this type of change can experience what we experienced, I know that isn't always the case...so my advice to you is to just keep swimming and focus on your children if you have them and if not, focus on yourself.
You see, my number one fear over the last year, was how the divorce would affect my children. If there was ever a second thought about whether or not I was doing the right thing for myself, it was because of them. Savannah has always been such a smart girl and grew incredibly close with Jason towards the middle to end of last year as much of my time was consumed with Jackson. I didn't want her to resent either of us and I wanted both of us to continue being strong presences in her life. And for better or worse, Jackson is too young to remember what life with both of us was like, so this new type of family will be "normal" for him.
Looking back from where we are now, I often think about the most important things we did to make this huge life change an easier transition for her.
First, Jason and I lived in the same house for several months while we were separated (on opposite sides of the house). We even began operating off of a "time-sharing schedule," so the kids could get used to being alone with each of us and we could each get our own routines down. I think this was incredibly beneficial for Savannah. I didn't want her to wake up one day, sit down for a chat where we say..."Daddy is moving out today and you'll start spending time at his house and time at my house." And it was very important for us to tell her together.
So, after the holidays last year, we decided that it was time to tell Savannah about the divorce. Both of us were more nervous to tell her than we needed to be. While I'm not sure she fully understood what was happening at the time, she seemed excited about Daddy's new place and being able to have two bedrooms. I am still amazed at how well she has done with everything. Sure, there are times where she misses him when she's with me and times where I know she wishes we could all be together again, but she's learning that this evolution of her family is just as normal as it used to be.
Second, Jason and I vowed to always put the children first...in everything. Divorce is never easy, but casting our emotions aside and focusing on what is best for the kids made everything much easier to negotiate and we ended up agreeing on our Parenting Plan and our Marital Settlement Agreement without the help of attorneys, a mediator, or a judge. In fact, the day of our final divorce hearing, we both walked into the judge's chambers together and while we sat on opposite sides of the room at the Petitioner and Respondent's tables, we knew that what we were doing was the right thing for us.
Third, and probably most important, is that we still remain friends. In fact, we are better friends now than when we were married. I know what you're thinking...why not just stay married? Well, it isn't that simple. Being friends, with completely open lines of communication, allows us to co-parent the children better than most divorced couples that I've met. It was always important for us to make sure that for life events like birthdays, graduations, weddings, etc., that we be able to plan/attend one function for the kids. Our first life event was Savannah's 7th birthday party. We planned it together (albeit last minute) and made sure that she knew how much each of us loved her because we were able to focus on her the entire time and not worry about being uncomfortable having our ex-spouse in the room. It went much better than I could have imagined.
Fourth, we both want each other to be happy. Happy as parents, happy in work and happy in our new love lives. I never wanted to hurt Jason in any of this and I know that he is a much better and stronger man than I married. He has persevered through the most tumultuous 8 months of his life and things are really starting to fall into place for him. I will be here to support him in the best way that I can and continue to put the children first in every decision I make.
I am confident in our abilities to co-parent these children and raise them as intelligent, loving and respectful people. I hope one day they will thank their father and I for handling this the best way we know how...with love in our hearts for them.
You see, my number one fear over the last year, was how the divorce would affect my children. If there was ever a second thought about whether or not I was doing the right thing for myself, it was because of them. Savannah has always been such a smart girl and grew incredibly close with Jason towards the middle to end of last year as much of my time was consumed with Jackson. I didn't want her to resent either of us and I wanted both of us to continue being strong presences in her life. And for better or worse, Jackson is too young to remember what life with both of us was like, so this new type of family will be "normal" for him.
Looking back from where we are now, I often think about the most important things we did to make this huge life change an easier transition for her.
First, Jason and I lived in the same house for several months while we were separated (on opposite sides of the house). We even began operating off of a "time-sharing schedule," so the kids could get used to being alone with each of us and we could each get our own routines down. I think this was incredibly beneficial for Savannah. I didn't want her to wake up one day, sit down for a chat where we say..."Daddy is moving out today and you'll start spending time at his house and time at my house." And it was very important for us to tell her together.
So, after the holidays last year, we decided that it was time to tell Savannah about the divorce. Both of us were more nervous to tell her than we needed to be. While I'm not sure she fully understood what was happening at the time, she seemed excited about Daddy's new place and being able to have two bedrooms. I am still amazed at how well she has done with everything. Sure, there are times where she misses him when she's with me and times where I know she wishes we could all be together again, but she's learning that this evolution of her family is just as normal as it used to be.
Second, Jason and I vowed to always put the children first...in everything. Divorce is never easy, but casting our emotions aside and focusing on what is best for the kids made everything much easier to negotiate and we ended up agreeing on our Parenting Plan and our Marital Settlement Agreement without the help of attorneys, a mediator, or a judge. In fact, the day of our final divorce hearing, we both walked into the judge's chambers together and while we sat on opposite sides of the room at the Petitioner and Respondent's tables, we knew that what we were doing was the right thing for us.
Third, and probably most important, is that we still remain friends. In fact, we are better friends now than when we were married. I know what you're thinking...why not just stay married? Well, it isn't that simple. Being friends, with completely open lines of communication, allows us to co-parent the children better than most divorced couples that I've met. It was always important for us to make sure that for life events like birthdays, graduations, weddings, etc., that we be able to plan/attend one function for the kids. Our first life event was Savannah's 7th birthday party. We planned it together (albeit last minute) and made sure that she knew how much each of us loved her because we were able to focus on her the entire time and not worry about being uncomfortable having our ex-spouse in the room. It went much better than I could have imagined.
Fourth, we both want each other to be happy. Happy as parents, happy in work and happy in our new love lives. I never wanted to hurt Jason in any of this and I know that he is a much better and stronger man than I married. He has persevered through the most tumultuous 8 months of his life and things are really starting to fall into place for him. I will be here to support him in the best way that I can and continue to put the children first in every decision I make.
I am confident in our abilities to co-parent these children and raise them as intelligent, loving and respectful people. I hope one day they will thank their father and I for handling this the best way we know how...with love in our hearts for them.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Mom's Gone Wild - What a weekend!!
This past weekend marked my very first "girls' trip." I never had the ability to go away for weekends with the girls, so I was more than excited when Mom and Rachel came into town on Thursday. The kids and I picked them up at the airport around 6:30 p.m. and headed to Chiptole for a quick bite to eat. When we got home, Pop Pop must've been a little jealous because we ended up skyping for a few minutes so he could see his grandbabies. I know it must be hard for them to live 6 hours away. Maybe one day we'll be much closer and they can really watch Savannah and Jackson grow up.
Friday morning, Mom and I woke up around 5:30 a.m. had a few cups of coffee and then took the kids to daycare. Savannah was excited because it was "field/water day." After working a half day, I was so excited when the girls came to pick me up at the office. We took off straight for Tampa and "Mom's Gone Wild" had begun. Checking in around 1:00 p.m., we quickly unpacked our clothes for the evening and made our first cocktail. We've all come to love the adult version of the "Arnold Palmer," so we made sure we had an ample supply of sweet tea vodka and lemonade. Within an hour and a half...we'd had a few drinks and decided we should probably eat something before we had anything else to drink. We headed to Channelside and ate at one of my favorite little spots...Tina Tapa's.
It was perfect...we each picked two tapas and shared. Plus, we each had a glass of sangria. With a couple of hours until concert time, we decided to grab something sweet, so we went to the chocolate store...and we found heaven...a little too much heaven because after one piece of chocolate, we were all over it. Then...it all started to go down hill...you see, while we waited for the cab, we thought we might as well grab another drink...except, we went to Hooter's. And drank beer...and lost our buzz.
But...the bad times didn't last for long...as soon as we got to the venue, the excitement hit. Although it was hot, we had a great time. All of the acts were amazing...Sara Evans was beautiful and sounded great.
When Rascal Flatts hit the stage, the first song started the show off right. It had a "Blue Man Group" feel to it...as the guys from RF played the drums, lit by gorgeous neon lights. Each and every song seemed to get better and better. After their show, we walked about a mile to catch a taxi. By the time we got back to the hotel room, we were starving...and ordered a pizza. As we waited for it, I crashed...waking only long enough to eat a couple slices of pizza.
The highlight of the Tampa trip ended up being brunch on Saturday. We went to Datz Delicatessen and OMG was the food to die for...and the drinks too. Rachel got a bloody mary which had BACON in it...yes, you read that right...bacon in a drink. She said it was awesome. We each got something savory for brunch and ended up taking bites to taste it all. Nobody was disappointed.
The quick drive back had us home, ready to chill for a few hours. We made an exception to "girl's weekend" on Saturday night so I could introduce Rachel to my super hero (AJ). He came over around 5PM and we sat and chatted for a bit before we headed out to dinner. We ate some fantastic sushi in Baldwin Park and then headed to Big Daddy's for a bit of karaoke. We spent the rest of the night belting out tunes and sucking it up for the other singers. For some reason, it just so happened that EVERY.OTHER.SINGER was awesomely talented. By the time I sang the last song, I had my beer goggles on and could barely read the words on the screen. Thanks to my super hero for driving so the girls could let loose. We had a great time and I know my family is really growing to love AJ for me. They can see how happy he makes me and that makes them happy.
After recovering all day on Sunday, I'm already thinking of when we can book our next Mom's Gone Wild weekend.
Friday morning, Mom and I woke up around 5:30 a.m. had a few cups of coffee and then took the kids to daycare. Savannah was excited because it was "field/water day." After working a half day, I was so excited when the girls came to pick me up at the office. We took off straight for Tampa and "Mom's Gone Wild" had begun. Checking in around 1:00 p.m., we quickly unpacked our clothes for the evening and made our first cocktail. We've all come to love the adult version of the "Arnold Palmer," so we made sure we had an ample supply of sweet tea vodka and lemonade. Within an hour and a half...we'd had a few drinks and decided we should probably eat something before we had anything else to drink. We headed to Channelside and ate at one of my favorite little spots...Tina Tapa's.
It was perfect...we each picked two tapas and shared. Plus, we each had a glass of sangria. With a couple of hours until concert time, we decided to grab something sweet, so we went to the chocolate store...and we found heaven...a little too much heaven because after one piece of chocolate, we were all over it. Then...it all started to go down hill...you see, while we waited for the cab, we thought we might as well grab another drink...except, we went to Hooter's. And drank beer...and lost our buzz.
But...the bad times didn't last for long...as soon as we got to the venue, the excitement hit. Although it was hot, we had a great time. All of the acts were amazing...Sara Evans was beautiful and sounded great.
When Rascal Flatts hit the stage, the first song started the show off right. It had a "Blue Man Group" feel to it...as the guys from RF played the drums, lit by gorgeous neon lights. Each and every song seemed to get better and better. After their show, we walked about a mile to catch a taxi. By the time we got back to the hotel room, we were starving...and ordered a pizza. As we waited for it, I crashed...waking only long enough to eat a couple slices of pizza.
The highlight of the Tampa trip ended up being brunch on Saturday. We went to Datz Delicatessen and OMG was the food to die for...and the drinks too. Rachel got a bloody mary which had BACON in it...yes, you read that right...bacon in a drink. She said it was awesome. We each got something savory for brunch and ended up taking bites to taste it all. Nobody was disappointed.
The quick drive back had us home, ready to chill for a few hours. We made an exception to "girl's weekend" on Saturday night so I could introduce Rachel to my super hero (AJ). He came over around 5PM and we sat and chatted for a bit before we headed out to dinner. We ate some fantastic sushi in Baldwin Park and then headed to Big Daddy's for a bit of karaoke. We spent the rest of the night belting out tunes and sucking it up for the other singers. For some reason, it just so happened that EVERY.OTHER.SINGER was awesomely talented. By the time I sang the last song, I had my beer goggles on and could barely read the words on the screen. Thanks to my super hero for driving so the girls could let loose. We had a great time and I know my family is really growing to love AJ for me. They can see how happy he makes me and that makes them happy.
After recovering all day on Sunday, I'm already thinking of when we can book our next Mom's Gone Wild weekend.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
my legacy began 7 years ago
I was once asked in a job interview what I would consider my greatest success. And you know what, I lied. I got the position...but I lied. I'm sure I made up some bullshit about how my greatest success was getting some major project approved when I worked at the City and the rest of the staff was against the new development. Sure, it's exciting when you can prove a whole staff of bureaucrats wrong when you stand up before the Planning Board or City Council and do what you feel is right...often bending the code to support the position you've taken. But...I've learned, especially recently, that my career does not define me.
I love Savannah for so many reasons. For one, she was created out of love. Although Jason and I are no longer married, I don't think either of us will deny that we wanted her...and she was created out of the love we had for each other and the love we knew we could give to her. I love her because she has always been so caring toward others. I wasn't the most shining example of how to treat people...especially in high school...and so I've been glad to see that she has learned from the woman I am today and not who I used to be. I've had about a dozen parents comment on how Savannah was one of the first children to welcome their child into the new classroom...at daycare or at elementary school. I am proud of her for that.
My legacy began 7 years ago...when I walked into the labor and delivery unit of Winter Park Memorial Hospital. With Jason and my mom by my side, and a pillow tucked under my arm...I waddled my fat ass into that wing knowing that I would leave a changed woman. For one, I'd instantly lose a bit of weight...but more importantly, I would join this club called Motherhood.
I remember being hooked up to iv's and blood pressure monitors surrounded by my parents, Jason and my brother John. I remember Jason and John playing with all the rubber gloves and random medical equipment in the room...trying to make me laugh. They succeeded...for a bit. I remember listening to Enya and trying to focus on my breathing and controlling what little pain I had. I remember asking for the epidural knowing that at 6 centimeters...it wasn't too much longer and I'd hate myself and everyone around me if I waited too late. I remember the nurse saying it was time to push...and I remember the look on my mom's face as she left the room.
She wanted to stay...I could tell...partly because she wanted to witness her first grandchild being born, but also because I'm sure she wanted to make sure I was okay. I also know she wanted nothing more than to see me transform into a new kind of woman. I don't think either of us knew back then that I'd become who I am today.
I remember pushing...three times...and Dr. Van Wert walking in at the last moment...4:58 p.m....to catch Savannah Kayleigh Middleton as she entered the world. I remember hearing her cry and feeling the warmth of her body as she laid on my chest for the first time. I remember looking into her eyes and being overcome with emotion. You see...I was never much of a crier...but motherhood has changed me. Here I am, sitting in the darkness of my bedroom...with tears streaming down my cheeks...remembering the day my legacy began.
I love Savannah for so many reasons. For one, she was created out of love. Although Jason and I are no longer married, I don't think either of us will deny that we wanted her...and she was created out of the love we had for each other and the love we knew we could give to her. I love her because she has always been so caring toward others. I wasn't the most shining example of how to treat people...especially in high school...and so I've been glad to see that she has learned from the woman I am today and not who I used to be. I've had about a dozen parents comment on how Savannah was one of the first children to welcome their child into the new classroom...at daycare or at elementary school. I am proud of her for that.
I love Savannah because she is independent. She doesn't fit into any one mold of what a "girl" should be. She tells me she's two part tomboy and one part girlie girl...and I love her for that. I want her to be her own person...march to the beat of her own drum...be a leader, not a follower.
I love Savannah because she is so smart. From the time she remembered Pop Pop getting peed on by a turtle 2 years before...or the times we sit in the car and she asks me to give her multiplication problems to do...I love listening to her learn and helping her expand her knowledge. I am proud of her for being placed in the gifted program this year. Although she's had a MAJOR life change...she has persevered.
I love Savannah because she thinks I sing good. Those of you that have heard me are probably thinking she's deaf...but, it reminds me of when she was a newborn and I would sing to her while I rocked her and it instantly soothed her as her body melted into mine and her breathing became heavy and rhythmic as she drifted off.
I love Savannah because she is the best big sister ever. She loves Jackson unconditionally and wants to protect him and guide him in the right direction. Every morning and every night she gives him kisses. She makes him laugh...she holds his hand as they sit and watch tv together...she shares her toys and snacks with him. She truly loves that little boy and I love her for that.
Most of all, I love Savannah because she is Savannah. She is my first born, my only girl, and the one that changed my life forever. I love you Savannah Kayleigh...and I always will. Happy birthday Rockstar!!!
Sunday, July 10, 2011
inspiration and strength...
Inspiration and strength have come from the most unexpected places for me lately. In my journey to live a healthier lifestyle, I've come to find out that I've inspired other people to do the same thing. Several people have contacted me on Facebook to let me know that they are proud of me...most of the time, I get these messages when I need it most...when I'm bored or stressed and look to food for comfort. These messages give me the strength I need to get back on track and focus on maintaining the healthy weight and eating habits I worked so hard for.
I also find inspiration in constantly looking for ways to learn new things and better myself. I am so far from perfect it isn't funny, but I'll never stop trying to find improvements. I've recently thought about going to law school and studying land use or real estate law. I used to say "I hate reading, so I could never make it through law school." Total bullshit...and a pathetic excuse to hold myself back. While training last year, I learned that excuses are ridiculous...and 90 percent of any battle is mental so if I can just overcome that mental battle and quit making excuses...I'm pretty damn sure I can do just about anything.
I've found strength in seeing my beautiful children smiling every day and seeing the love they have for each other. Jackson loves his sister almost as much as he loves food...and she is constantly looking for new ways to make him laugh. The bond between siblings is undeniable and it's clearer to me now that it can't be broken.
My brother and I are only 13 months apart in age...yes, I was "unexpected"...and growing up, we were close, but no where as close as we are now. John is an amazing brother...always has been, but I never appreciated it until recently. He has never once judged me for the decisions I've made in my life. He may not agree...and he'll usually tell me, but he is always there if I need to talk...or escape...or laugh. I am so incredibly lucky to have a brother that (1) is only 6 hours away, but (2) is also willing to drop just about anything to help me out if I need it. I love you John...I know I don't tell you enough, but I really do. You are an amazing husband and amazing father...Rachel and Tyler are so incredibly lucky...just like we are.
I also find inspiration in constantly looking for ways to learn new things and better myself. I am so far from perfect it isn't funny, but I'll never stop trying to find improvements. I've recently thought about going to law school and studying land use or real estate law. I used to say "I hate reading, so I could never make it through law school." Total bullshit...and a pathetic excuse to hold myself back. While training last year, I learned that excuses are ridiculous...and 90 percent of any battle is mental so if I can just overcome that mental battle and quit making excuses...I'm pretty damn sure I can do just about anything.
I've found strength in seeing my beautiful children smiling every day and seeing the love they have for each other. Jackson loves his sister almost as much as he loves food...and she is constantly looking for new ways to make him laugh. The bond between siblings is undeniable and it's clearer to me now that it can't be broken.
My brother and I are only 13 months apart in age...yes, I was "unexpected"...and growing up, we were close, but no where as close as we are now. John is an amazing brother...always has been, but I never appreciated it until recently. He has never once judged me for the decisions I've made in my life. He may not agree...and he'll usually tell me, but he is always there if I need to talk...or escape...or laugh. I am so incredibly lucky to have a brother that (1) is only 6 hours away, but (2) is also willing to drop just about anything to help me out if I need it. I love you John...I know I don't tell you enough, but I really do. You are an amazing husband and amazing father...Rachel and Tyler are so incredibly lucky...just like we are.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
social media's impact on my life
According to Wikipedia, the term "social media" refers to the "use of web-based and mobile technologies to turn communication into interactive dialogue." People use social media for a number of different reasons. More and more companies are using social media as ways to expand their business and reach more customers.
Just about everyone I know has a Facebook account. I do, as well. I have for awhile now, but I never thought it would have had the impact on my life that it has. As of today, I have 294 friends on Facebook. And although I have not seen a majority of them in almost 12 or 13 years, I feel closer to some of them now, than I ever was before.
People like April Donelson, who has encouraged me and inspired me to live a healthy lifestyle...or Dawn Strickland or Erin Kelly Jolliff, who are facing unbelievable struggles in raising children with medical issues...or Erica and Ryan Manthey, whose photos inspire me to realize that love is beautiful and can be part of my life again someday...or Melissa Livers Elmer, who keeps me motivated with her weight loss journey. I am forever connected to these people...all because we've chosen to share bits and pieces of our lives via the Internet.
Then, there are those extra special people like my family. As if sending daily morning emails and talking on the phone 3 or 4 times a day isn't enough, I love seeing my family's status updates. Seeing photos and videos of my nephew Tyler or "check-ins" from my parents who still go out on dates to keep that spark alive in their almost 38 year marriage.
But a different form of social media has had a huge impact on my life as well. After my divorce, I signed up for (gulp) match.com. At the encouragement of my ex-husband, Jason, (yes...we have a very close relationship and remain great friends) I created a profile. It included pictures, funny sayings, and essentially me "selling" myself to the masses of men. I hear that men outnumber women on that site 30 to 1...or something like that. The way I looked at it, I had 2 places I could meet men...1. at work (um, no thank you...no offense to the men I work with that may follow my blog) or 2. daycare (pretty sure most of them are married). So, I gave it a shot...and, well, I've met someone. Don't worry people...I'm not running off to Vegas to get married...I just enjoy spending my time with him.
A special man friend (that's what I'll call him for now...until I get approval to reveal his true identity...he is kinda like a super hero) that is incredibly handsome, intelligent, motivated, funny, cultured (but my kinda cultured...you know...rides a Harley and has been known to go four-wheelin' in the mud), handy, ambitious, and most of all...a damn good person. You have to be selfless to do what he does for a living and that's one of the things I like most about him...he gives to others before himself. He's got kids too, which is essential for anyone that I'm going to spend my time with...because unless you have children of your own, I don't think that you understand the sacrifices (if you want to call them that) that go into being a parent.
So, you may be wondering where this post is going...and honestly, I can't tell you. I just wanted to share another piece of my life and of course, to thank Al Gore for inventing the Internet.
Just about everyone I know has a Facebook account. I do, as well. I have for awhile now, but I never thought it would have had the impact on my life that it has. As of today, I have 294 friends on Facebook. And although I have not seen a majority of them in almost 12 or 13 years, I feel closer to some of them now, than I ever was before.
People like April Donelson, who has encouraged me and inspired me to live a healthy lifestyle...or Dawn Strickland or Erin Kelly Jolliff, who are facing unbelievable struggles in raising children with medical issues...or Erica and Ryan Manthey, whose photos inspire me to realize that love is beautiful and can be part of my life again someday...or Melissa Livers Elmer, who keeps me motivated with her weight loss journey. I am forever connected to these people...all because we've chosen to share bits and pieces of our lives via the Internet.
Then, there are those extra special people like my family. As if sending daily morning emails and talking on the phone 3 or 4 times a day isn't enough, I love seeing my family's status updates. Seeing photos and videos of my nephew Tyler or "check-ins" from my parents who still go out on dates to keep that spark alive in their almost 38 year marriage.
But a different form of social media has had a huge impact on my life as well. After my divorce, I signed up for (gulp) match.com. At the encouragement of my ex-husband, Jason, (yes...we have a very close relationship and remain great friends) I created a profile. It included pictures, funny sayings, and essentially me "selling" myself to the masses of men. I hear that men outnumber women on that site 30 to 1...or something like that. The way I looked at it, I had 2 places I could meet men...1. at work (um, no thank you...no offense to the men I work with that may follow my blog) or 2. daycare (pretty sure most of them are married). So, I gave it a shot...and, well, I've met someone. Don't worry people...I'm not running off to Vegas to get married...I just enjoy spending my time with him.
A special man friend (that's what I'll call him for now...until I get approval to reveal his true identity...he is kinda like a super hero) that is incredibly handsome, intelligent, motivated, funny, cultured (but my kinda cultured...you know...rides a Harley and has been known to go four-wheelin' in the mud), handy, ambitious, and most of all...a damn good person. You have to be selfless to do what he does for a living and that's one of the things I like most about him...he gives to others before himself. He's got kids too, which is essential for anyone that I'm going to spend my time with...because unless you have children of your own, I don't think that you understand the sacrifices (if you want to call them that) that go into being a parent.
So, you may be wondering where this post is going...and honestly, I can't tell you. I just wanted to share another piece of my life and of course, to thank Al Gore for inventing the Internet.
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